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MOTHER-IN-LAW MONSTER
'Z Mother In Law
Never place the butt of the turkey in her plate during the holidays. For one, she may panic because she assumes her chin has fallen off and two, again - the entire family will be watching. It's tough trying to operate when you've got curious onlookers to deal with.
Never, but never, make her a witch's costume for Halloween. Stick with the tried and true white sheet, two holes. If she smokes, a third hole is acceptable. Do not pre-treat the fabric with flammable chemicals.
If you attend a fair together and she wants to have her face painted, don't - under any circumstance, offer the artist a $20 bribe for slipping in a 666 on 'Mother's' forehead. The clown in Tent #2 will be watching and is guaranteed to tell. You just can't trust a clown.
If you go on a fishing excursion with 'Mother' then don't accidentally toss the casting net over her. She may be always spouting off and she may look like a whale, but she's only Mother.
Never bury Mother on the beach by your sandcastle. Remember, no one liked Baby Jane.
If you take Mother hiking, don't give her fresh bread. The birds will peck that up very swiftly and Mother won't be able to find her way back to your home. Stick to dependent stale bread. The last thing you need is for your partner to blame you for losing their mother.
Telling your partner, "The umbilical cord finally snapped," won't do. It's a non-redeeming line.
If none of these hot tips work, be patient. We all have to go sometime.
This article is for entertainment purposes only and not meant as a guide to any domestic problem. If your situation is making you miserable seek professional guidance and encourage your partner to assist you.
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